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Patience, patience my friend

I swear, my next book is going to be filled with "stuff no one told me about pregnancy." It would be a LONG book. Most of my knowledge has come from my intermittent google searches after something strange happens to me. Like, xxx will happen and I will think, "well this is odd and quite unpleasant. I wonder if this has something to do with pregnancy." So I will then use our omnipresent google machine to look up "xxx and pregnancy" and wouldn't you know it, there are a whole host of answers. Turns out xxx is super common in pregnancy. My reaction is always "why the f--- didn't anyone tell me about this?!" There are so many books out there about pregnancy, especially ones titled something like "everything you need to know about pregnancy" and they are most definitely NOT living up to their promises.

I am 9 days away from my due date and have been DONE being pregnant for about two weeks already. Another great example of things no one tells you about pregnancy? Your due date is a load of bullshit. About a month ago I was at a check up with my OB and she looked into her little computer and said "So we're using the 19th for your due date?" My eyes nearly bugged out of my head at the prospect of being done with this evil gestational affliction a full week ahead of time. I had my eyes on the finish line of December 26, as previously stated by every medical professional who put their hands on or in me. "Oh, wait, well... we have the 19th from one test, the 22nd from another, and the 30th from one ultrasound. So I guess we chose the 26th." Just the language that she used (and I'm not knocking her, I love my OB, it's just the whole practice and procedure) -- "We are using..." and "We chose..." Not: Your due date IS. I know they do this every day and have hundreds of pregnant women under their care at any given time, but JESUS. This is pretty important to ME.

Another super-scientific practice: how they tell how big the baby is. If everything is going well, you won't get any ultrasounds after the 20-week one where they do a full anatomical scan to make sure the baby has the right number of limbs, etc, and they can tell the sex. So that leaves you another 20 weeks to just grow the baby and it's anyone's best guess as to what's going on in there. You know how they measure how big the baby is? They measure your belly. With a fucking tape measure. Seriously. They take a tape measure, like the one you would use to measure fabric or something, and measure from your boobs to your vagina. And that's how they estimate how big the baby is. Congrats on all your advances, medical science. Well done.

Another thing I didn't know: how DIFFICULT this last month would be. I made plans to work pretty much up until my due date, which was a mistake in retrospect. My logic was that there would be nothing to gain by hanging out at home, waiting for the pot to boil and contractions to begin. I did not take into consideration that EVERYTHING would take so much effort. Rolling over in bed includes a routine of grunting, moaning, and flailing around like a turtle turned on its back. If I drop something on the floor, I convince myself I didn't need that item anyway. I can't wear shoes that tie if someone's not home to tie them for me. I have about 3 items of clothing that fit. I can't carry anything. I can barely walk.

Yesterday I went in for reflexology and asked them to rub labor points. I went in for acupuncture, and my acpuncturist stuck a bunch of needles in my back and then hooked them up to electrical current. She said "Wow, most people feel like they're going to pass out when I do this. You're strong." My husband drove me 45 minutes to get this special "prego pizza" that is has sent dozens of women into labor.

24 hours later: no dice.

And I still have 9 days to go until my "due date."

ps. I know that I will be kicking myself a month from now and wondering why I was in such a hurry, why I didn't take advantage of that time to see one more movie, get one more pedicure, take one more nap. Please don't rub that fact in my face at that time.

pps. one more thing nobody told me: PREGNANCY IS TEN MONTHS LONG. 40 weeks = 10 months, no matter how you slice it. Everybody please stop calling it 9 months.

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